her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
love makes seman taste better
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
