Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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