I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
