I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
