Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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