well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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