Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
