He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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