I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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