i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
