I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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