So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
