New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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