I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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