I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
