he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
