I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
