Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
