if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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