Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
