a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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