Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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