At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
