she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
