he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
