glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
