Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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