just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Congratulations! We have a period
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