you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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