You smell like a Billy Joel song
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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