So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
