We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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