You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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