goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
