yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
