Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
