Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
