Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
BRING THE BAGELS
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
