I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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