My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
