I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
