I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
