I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
