the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
