I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are we still banned from the library?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
