We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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