There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
