She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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