What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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