I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
