Can i not drive my cunt home
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
