it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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