I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize