A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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