Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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