do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
