I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
