Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
