Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
