she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
