just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
