maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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