i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
