oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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